On the edge of town, there is a big house. And in this big house, there is a big room with lots of books. And in this house, there is man and a woman. And in this big house, there is a girl and a dog, a cat, and a goldfish who looks out through his little fishbowl with an expression of great confusion. And in this house, there is a boy, a boy known to some as Eddie, but most call him Blink. This boy's name is...Edward James Blink.
9 A.M. Big house at the edge of town. It's just like any other day. I sit in front of the entertainment box listening to the prattle until I zero in on "Dexter's Laboratory." Love Nickelodeon. Funny. Remind me later to check in on "Samurai Jack." Anyway, I'm Blink, Edward Blink. I'm the one conferencing with the bowl of soggy breakfast cereal. That's my partner, Spike. Don't ask what he does. When he sits on the floor like that, doing whatever it is that canines do while sitting in the corner, assume it's yoga. We sit in front of the entertainment box like two wet noodles, waiting for our next case, when this dame walks in -- Upright solider, it's the boss, a.k.a. Mom. It's news from HQ. "Dexter's Laboratory" will have to wait - damn!
"The streets in Shagsville are getting overrun, Agent Eddie."
"Overrun?"
"Yes, Agent Eddie. By grime."
"That's Agent Blink, mom. Please, let's keep it profession. Shagsville overrun by what?"
"By grime. Yes, grime has taken over Shagsville."
"Okay. I get it. Funny. This is me laughing. Ha. But what should I do about it - the crime problem, that is?"
"Go to Shagsville and stop the evil doers before they can do harm."
"So, you're suggesting, Mom?"
"A big clean. Yep, that's right. Go right in there and wipe out the grime - okay, crime - before it has a chance to set in and stink up the place."
"Got it. Reward?"
"Just the usual."
"Milk and cookies, then?"
"About a dozen or so."
"Alright, I'll go, but I'm bringing Agent Spike with me."
"Good luck, Agent Eddie, I mean, Agent Blink. Let Operation: Big Clean commence! Oh, and should you and your partner get caught--"
"We know, you disavow us, and set us out on the curb Sunday night for the Trash man. Mom." And with that, she went on to mention that the message will self-destruct. So we went upstairs to see what awaited us in Shagsville, leaving my bowl of now pablum. That's okay; the now sugary cold porridge in my bowl was starting to bore me.
To be continued....
On the edge of town, there is a big house. And in this big house, there is a big room with lots of books. You know, things you read. And in this house, there is man and a woman. And in this big house, there is a girl and a dog, a cat, and a goldfish who looks out through his little fishbowl with an expression of great confusion. And in this house, there is a boy, a boy known to some as Eddie, but most call him Blink. The boy's name is...Edward James Blink.
That's Agent Blink to you. We made good time getting here, my partner Spike and I. Just up and over the Staircase Mountains and through the Doorway Pass. Any snow and we could have been on the edge, the point of no return, two marbles teetering, trying hard to hang on to all the marbles, trying not to lose our--
Edward James Blink!
Damn, all three names. "The Man" must be applying some heat. We need to work fast if we are going to appease both "The Man" and Mom, our immediate boss.
On it!
So, this agent and his partner stare deep into the bowels of it all, and we dig up this little jewel: HQ is right! Shagsville is a cesspool, at least, something smells at any rate. Small time hoods have set up shop at every corner. Little gangs of mismolded solider boys, driving busted up Tonka trucks and Matchbox cars, shake down regular stuffed animal types for lunch money. And all the while, Batman and Superman are having an all out brawl high above the streets of town. Hoodlums! How can any self-respecting, soft-formed entity live like this? Agent Spike and I come up with a plan. We call HQ, put our boss, Mom, right in the middle of a big fat loop. Then, we pay a visit to "The Box."
The Box is the nickname for the legendary, high security prison that sits on one edge of Shagsville. You know the one. It's the place with the big sliding wall and all the appropriate protocols: eye scanners, laser guns, supercomputer codes, DNA tongue readers, nostril and butt analyses. That's right. Everything's state of the art, no expenses spared, right down to the secondary, high dark walls and a lid complete with a big clumsy clasp that houses solitary confinement. Yup, toy's check in, but they don't check out. We talked to the warden; all was in readiness. So, Operation: Big Clean was pushed out into the light of day, like fresh-baked caramel rolls pulled out of the oven.
We had started to make great progress. We had most of the small-time hoods and operators off the streets and "tossed into "The Box." Among the names were "Juggling" Jack-in-the-Box Johnson, operator of the "hide the snacks" and other food games and "Colonel Black Jack" of the mismolded solider outfit. It wasn't easy; bagging Renegade members of the G.I. Joe crew and the occasional member of the Pokemon and Magic Card decks. But our greatest fete was the mid-air surrender of Superman and Batman and consequent wipe down of that street scene. All awaited their turn in Shagsville's great golden halls of justice, sitting quietly in the dark of the box, contemplating their crimes against soft-sculptured kind.
We were just about to send a progress report back to HQ, when Agent Spike and I began to notice a stink in the air. Yep, that's right, stink was Mom-speak for "bad." According to reports coming in, piles of toxic wastes, perhaps even nuclear, a.k.a. dirty clothes, were popping up all over Shagsville. It could only mean one thing, The Stuffed Three. The Stuffed Three was a crime syndicate lead by the notorious Mr. Stuffy (Mr. S.), Mr. Giggles, and The Elephant, a ruthless bunch of stuffed fabrics, who had been working to take over the teeming metropolis of Shagsville for years. The Stuffed Three were rumored to have taken over the Sanitation industry during the Great Shagsville Worker Strike back in October, which included the municipal dump known as "The Hamper." They were threatening to release the dust bunnies if Agent Spike and I didn't back off. This was no longer a task; it was now a chore.
To be continued...
On the edge of town, there is a big house. And in this big house, there is man and a woman. And in this big house, there is a girl and a dog, a cat, and a goldfish who looks out through his little fishbowl with an expression of great panic. And in this house, there is a boy, and the boy's name is...Edward James Blink!
Some call me Edward. Some call me Eddie, but most call me Blink, Agent Blink. Me and agent Spike, my partner, were left with a dilemma: face the Stuffed Three and take down their vast criminal network, or face (Dah-Dah-Dum!) dust bunnies. We called HQ and talked to our boss...Mom. She told about dust bunnies; how, in spite of their adorable, fuzzy exteriors, their red eyes hid lasers that cut trees, and their mouths concealed horrible, razor sharp teeth. "They'll consume anything. They especially like dirty socks! Which explains dust bunny breath!" Shrieked Mom.
"That could also explain the problem I have with my sock drawer," I said.
"Only singles...No matching pair?"
"No, like I care. No, all my socks are for Sunday. Anyhow, what's to do?"
Mom thought for a bit, and then she sent us the big gun. When it arrived, we went to work. We unpacked, plugged in, and prepared to use the biggest, and newest, gun in our arsenal. Mom called it...the Vacuum! It was named after Professor Farnsworth Vacuum, the inventor, and it held the power to make all of Shagsville disappear into thin air. We discovered this power a bit too late for Plastic Mouse, though. (Poor Plastic, he was a good kid.) We quickly called the Stuffed Three to tell them about our "little demonstration." Well, actually, we had no way to conference call anyone, so we called Mr. Stuffy, who, in turn, called Mr. Giggles, then The Elephant. They were nervous. You could hear the sweat rolling down their little linen faces. A meeting was arranged, back alley other side of The Bed, local gathering place. But when we got there, it was an ambush.
It turned ugly pretty quickly, and the battle would have taken days, perhaps weeks, if it wasn't for the quick reaction of our boss, Mom. Holding the plug, "that's enough! Take Mr. Stuffy, Mr. Giggles, and The Elephant to The Toy Box!"
So, that was that; Operation: Big Clean done and officially in the books...or closet, maybe. So, here we are, Agent Spike and I, taking in our reward while watching the Nick. Did I ever mention that I'm okay with chocolate meltiness and sugary crumbs?
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