Village News - Old Man Winter Evicted

Dateline: Whatever and wherever.  

And so it finally happened.  For the past couple of weeks, there was so much complaining about the general state of the weather.  You could feel the animosity, the vehemence.  It was so palpable that you could step outside and FEEL the complaining.  It filled the air and accosted the ears, the complaining.  So, Monday night’s village board meeting, in the middle of cleaning up the mess left by the snow over the weekend, our town elders finally took up the motion to oust Old Man Winter from his squatter’s flat.  You see, with all of the complaining hanging about in every tree in the morning, come rain or shine...well, come flake or gray cloud, really, the land owner’s who found Old Man Winter “holed” up in their grandma’s old house (the old Maelstrom place) knew they had the support of the entire village.  And so the hastily put together meeting after the storm.  Our fair village elders were unanimous in their vote, “Out with the bastard!”  And so yesterday, along with County deputies, our fair village’s Chief of Police and several of his most trusted deputies served papers on that “down right ornery and disgusting” Old Man Winter.  As suspected, he did not go quietly, but after his storm over the weekend, he really did not have much going.  He didn’t even use his words!  Nope, he just packed his bags and slowly, and I do mean slowly, oozed his way to the village limits like molasses in January.  Things got a bit dicey, when he decided to “push” his limits at the village limits.  But that joke is pretty limited, so it did not get far either.  It was sad, too.  Old Man Winter resorted to puppy dog eyes.  That’s right, puppy dog eyes.  But the our fair Chief and all assembled law enforcement officers held their ground; I mean, space was limited.

Now, some would say that Old Man Winter camped out at the old Maelstrom place, because he was in for the long haul, but there are those who claim that Old Man Winter was envious of the young, and very recently bronzed, Sun God Ra, with whom he had been wrestling during the great Rumble of Humbell (Street) earlier this year.  The jealousy seems to stem from the fact that the Sun God Ra has a bevy of sun worshippers that follow him everywhere, whereas Old Man Winter has just a bunch of flakes flitting in and out.  There are some that even claim the very muscular and athletic Sun God Ra and the very white and cane-ridden (Sorry....walking stick enabled) Old Man Winter were once lovers.  But you know how the rumor mill can get from time to time.  Besides, this is the same rumor mill that during the most recent election for most glorious deity, that the Sun God Ra continually refused to produce a birth certificate because he was hiding the fact that he was born on foreign soil and really did not speak English like all our fair villagers.  Now, we know that this was a vicious rumor for any God worth worshipping spoke to everyone in their native tongue, which can only be American...dollars.

Oh, and speaking of the Rumor Mill, you should check out the exclusive coupon for 50% off, or a quarter bubble out of plumb, whichever comes first.  It came in the most recent edition of the Daily Trumpet.  It’s good for as long as supplies last, wherever you may be.  Conditions may apply, so don’t try for the job unless you have, or are, conditions.  You know, I don’t really know any villagers by that name....conditions....  Well, check it out, anyway.

This update to our Fair Village comes to you by our friends at the Great Turmoil, a Seething Masses Amalgamation, Incorporated.  30 years of serving our Fair Village and all its surrounding neighbors.

National Caterpickle Day! A School Bus Kids Moment

It was so small, so long ago; a simple reference to a caterpillar in a pickle jar.  Of course, the children on the bus were talking about a simple action of collecting in the name of science and curiosity.  It was certainly not in the name of adult beverages; you know, the worm stuck on the bottom of an alcohol bottle.

I, of course, pipe in with some ridiculous response like: “Yum!  Delicious!  Or, how was it?”  Their response was equally simple, the four children at this point: “Eeeeeewww!  Yuck!!”

And then, the division began.  Snickering, the two boys on the bus started in with references to sandwiches and picnics; exhaling loudly, the two girls shouting: “Gross!  Ick!”  I decided I had to seal the growing chasm, silence the increasing opposition.  So I mentioned that everything fashionable to eat, drink, and wear had to possess a catchy name.  This elicited a large number of names, a list of things, that once agreed upon, would seal the distance between the parties.  And so, once we came to silence, a treaty had been formed.  It had become the consensus known as....caterpickle.

Yep, the pact was struck; “new food” reference and all.  There wasn’t a day that went by that I did not hear the word of unity: Caterpickle.  But after a couple of weeks, the word disappeared from the bus’s vocabulary.  I thought the whole movement had died.  But like some movements, both social and political, it had gone underground where it started to grow.  Then, in glorious rebellion and loud fanfare, this little blonde-haired girl announces to the entire bus that it was National Caterpickle Day!  And the rally began!  There was a whole lot of speech making: a little of “caterpickle this” and “caterpickle that.”  A small band had created an anthem for the movement.  I even think there was an amusement ride based on “Caterpickle,” though “Wiggle Wart” came to my mind.  With all the laughing and giggling and merry dancing, it was quite the convention.

So, now, I’m happy to report that, posted proudly in front of the bus, directly above the driver’s seat, there is an edict, signed by the school’s Principal, declaring April to be National Caterpickle Month.  Isn’t it amazing?  A simple movement, started with a simple reference to a caterpillar in a pickle jar, grew legs.  Now, there is no stopping it.  “Onward and upward,” the children say.  “We are on the move!!  Hurray!!!”  Yes, hurray.  Congratulations are very much in order.  Now, please, if you don’t mind, we need to sit down in our seats and calm down.  So, the bus can march us home.