For those unaware, Friday, June 24th, and Saturday, June 25th, were Dairy By-Product Daze in our fair village, all in honor of Dairy Prevention Month. Now, events happened on Saturday, but business took me away from things as my wife was participating in the "Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robot" Challenge Run. So, I can only piece Saturday's events together from fragments of conversations that I did not have on Monday morning. This is what I heard.
Saturday morning started well enough. Dairy By-Product Daze was well underway, though quietly. The air on this morning was all cow. Well, there may have been touch of dew (yes, dew does have a smell. You know, dewy: fresh soil, reconstituted lawn clippings. What? Didn't anyone else earn an income robbing graves? Okay, moving on.). Otherwise, the air was all manure and cow piss. (You really can not beat fresh country air.). Our ever-vigilant police force had nothing to report, at that point, though there was a little disturbance reported around bar close (2:30AM) Friday night/Saturday morn; a noisy gathering in the parking lot of The Stumble Down, an adult beverage establishment on Main Street. When police arrived, the small crowd had already dispersed, and there was no sign of any gathering. There was also no need for tazers or excessive force, either. Oh well, the officer on the scene did talk with those who called in the report, and they might have mentioned something about our dark visitors with the white stripe on their fringe (remember: clothing, no other reason). Who said that? I can not remember.
Oh well, I heard from Sven Golly about another event that occurred on that beautiful, albeit, "cow"-filled morning. The event may related to the night before, who knows; all we have is speculation and innuendo; so spread it far and wide! Our ever-vigilant police were called to a disturbance in another parking lot. (Anything familiar?) The lot was near the shiny, but formidable Fortress of Basic Learning, and the police found a body! Yeah, you heard me, a dark, lifeless body - in the school parking lot! By the time Officer Laurel Order had made the corner of Lime and Sunshine Lane, our two fringed visitors (remember them?) were observed hovering over the body. They were kicking, prodding and jumping on the body, in fact.
"Scout's Honor," Sven Golly offers the salute. At which point, Sven told his gathered crowd, "Officer Lauren Order pulled the car over and called for backup."
Sven continued that one of the fringed ones screamed repeatedly, and very loudly. "It put the hairs on yer arm on end," that's what Sven said (oh, did I mention that Sven was actually up north fishing at the time and did not witness the event but heard about it from his neighbor Matilda Schutz). The scream incited the rest of the visitors' kind, the ones that have already set up homes here in our fair hamlet or, at the very least, would rummage through our trash bins. There was so much crying and shrieking that the echoes off the surrounding buildings that the crowd became an angry mob of hundreds, perhaps thousands. In fact, all those gathered in that parking lot on that morning began to dance around the body. The whole thing turned into an orgy, ending with everyone taking off and flying away like charcoal dust cloud. (Fitting for Dairy By-Product Daze, don't you think?). That's what Sven Golly said, anyway.
Oh, and John "Fuzzball" Martin mentioned another body. The Trumpet, our village newspaper, ("covering all the news, and nothing but the news, so help us, libel courts.") offered a simple statement: body found. It was buried deep on the 7th page, somewhere under the report on pot belly futures and the obituaries. (I know: Outrageous! I mean, it's become a cliche: dead body, front page or lead story on the "Telly." All told in constant repetition. That's right, simply say nothing but contribute to the noise and the ensuing hysteria. Erase whole shows from the daily programming just to say, "Hi. Look at me!" <sigh>. Sorry, I digress. Where were we?) Oh yes, John "Fuzzball " Martin found the Editor-in-Chief of The Trumpet at Dairy By-Product Daze under the Drink and Wobble Tent with an...um...adult beverage in hand. He asked the Editor-in-Chief about why the news item was not found on the front page in bold print as demanded by the Secret International Club for the Design of Increasing Circulation. The Editor simply said, "Ummm....uhh..... I know, um, Dairy By-Product Daze. Yeh." That's what Fuzzball said.
Oh , and speaking of the members of the local chapter of the Secret International Club for the Design of Increasing Circulation, SICDIC, Stan Stumble mentioned: "usual boring, sensational great!" Of course, this secret member of the local chapter may have been forced to admit that the group might not have any international affiliations and might have an image problem due to a really crappy name (the locals simply call the group: "Sick Dicks."). They may also have to face the fact that the village police were called to investigate the loud "party" at the club's exclusive, secret, "no girls allowed" clubhouse on Saturday night. Oh, that particular police report will be printed in bold type on the front page. How ironic! (or am I just using "ironic" in the same fashion as that song by Alanis Morrisett?). Polly "the Pest" Newcomb called the police.
Oh, here's the news item from page 7 of The Trumpet, bottom of the page just 6 lines under "Edward Ennui: A Celebration of a Life Well Lived":
"Body found at parking lot near Fortress of Basic Learning. The body had been separated into its major parts: head, arms, legs, torso. The body parts were covered in a plastic jumpsuit and discarded like a child's toy upon the sidewalk. The parts were then run over by a device similar to the hovering machines used to harvest parts of the lawn that are given to the God that Eats Green Things. Citizens having any information about this case, or anyone who happens to know a villager by the name of G. I. Joe, are asked to call our vigilant police department. Thank you."
What a weekend for celebration and strangers! At least, that's what Molly Morehouse said.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Village News: Keeping My Eyes On You
Previously posted in Facebook Before Philando Castile
As if it wasn't bad enough this summer that we have had to keep our eyes peeled for members of the notorious Metrosexual Gang, I have also noticed something else disconcerting - two new arrivals had come to town. Yes, you heard me - new arrivals. Please stay calm, everyone. Our ever-vigilant chief of police also spotted them immediately on their arrival, and he has assured me that he has been keeping an eye on them (and whatever else he can throw at them and make stick). I know that some of you have become uneasy with the stranger level in our village (it has been high this year, especially after the white invasion of this past winter), and perhaps some of you have been calling on our elders to indefinitely suspend the parade season (Memorial Day through Labor Day, including but not yet pertaining to our Great County Fair, Dairy By-Product Daze, and Falling Seeds Festival for International Day of Raining Seeds), but I urge restraint in the face of this potential dilemma. Besides, what would we do with the bass drum, three snare drums, four trumpets, saxophone, clarinet, fife and kazoo that currently reside in our high school's dustbin? And what would we do with ourselves when we are not trying to rid our days of the chores (that appear around the house like dust particles) - go fishing and visiting our local adult beverage establishments?
Anyhoo, the two black strangers (which I will now dub them because of their costumes and not for any other reason) arrived in town in spite of our best efforts with the Metrosexual Gang. Apparently, the two black strangers made a great deal of noise, a ruckus, a stir up, a row, so much so that they broke our precious noise ordinance (into 37 pieces, which is not easy because our noise ordinance was tough!). The two black strangers have no respect for our rules; that is all there is to it. I suppose they are no different then the chrome and rubber visitors that roared up and down Main Street at all hours of the day, prancing on two legs. But the two black refuse to speak a word of English. They simply open up their fringed black coats and shriek at you. Disturbing!
Our Village Police Chief noted that there is a difference that separates our two dark visitors from their companions that have already set up homes here in our fair hamlet or, at the very least, rummaged through our trash. There are white stripes running horizontally across on the fringes of their costumes. Oh, and Rudy Red Nose (our village drunk...oh, I'm sorry I was just informed that we can no longer use the word "drunk," we must refer to Rudy as permanently, bottle and balance-challenged) has noticed that these white stripes seemed to place a quality of dominion over those already in our midst. Such an observant old (or is he young? Hard to tell with all of the cough tonic he consumes) man. Since they have been under the watchful eye of our Village Police, these two dark strangers have been sighted in our most sacred of places - in trees, on parking lots, our trash cans, and even on our cars and trucks. (For God's sake, people, use your garage! They will be on our boats, jet skis, four-wheelers, and snowmobiles next!)
In other news, Village Police are still on the look out for the one dressed as "The Fuller Brush Man." He still evades village scrutiny. Remember! If you do happen to spot him, do not approach, call Village Police, as the suspect is still considered armed and fabulous--eh, I mean dangerous. Thank you.
Previously posted in Facebook
As if it wasn't bad enough this summer that we have had to keep our eyes peeled for members of the notorious Metrosexual Gang, I have also noticed something else disconcerting - two new arrivals had come to town. Yes, you heard me - new arrivals. Please stay calm, everyone. Our ever-vigilant chief of police also spotted them immediately on their arrival, and he has assured me that he has been keeping an eye on them (and whatever else he can throw at them and make stick). I know that some of you have become uneasy with the stranger level in our village (it has been high this year, especially after the white invasion of this past winter), and perhaps some of you have been calling on our elders to indefinitely suspend the parade season (Memorial Day through Labor Day, including but not yet pertaining to our Great County Fair, Dairy By-Product Daze, and Falling Seeds Festival for International Day of Raining Seeds), but I urge restraint in the face of this potential dilemma. Besides, what would we do with the bass drum, three snare drums, four trumpets, saxophone, clarinet, fife and kazoo that currently reside in our high school's dustbin? And what would we do with ourselves when we are not trying to rid our days of the chores (that appear around the house like dust particles) - go fishing and visiting our local adult beverage establishments?
Anyhoo, the two black strangers (which I will now dub them because of their costumes and not for any other reason) arrived in town in spite of our best efforts with the Metrosexual Gang. Apparently, the two black strangers made a great deal of noise, a ruckus, a stir up, a row, so much so that they broke our precious noise ordinance (into 37 pieces, which is not easy because our noise ordinance was tough!). The two black strangers have no respect for our rules; that is all there is to it. I suppose they are no different then the chrome and rubber visitors that roared up and down Main Street at all hours of the day, prancing on two legs. But the two black refuse to speak a word of English. They simply open up their fringed black coats and shriek at you. Disturbing!
Our Village Police Chief noted that there is a difference that separates our two dark visitors from their companions that have already set up homes here in our fair hamlet or, at the very least, rummaged through our trash. There are white stripes running horizontally across on the fringes of their costumes. Oh, and Rudy Red Nose (our village drunk...oh, I'm sorry I was just informed that we can no longer use the word "drunk," we must refer to Rudy as permanently, bottle and balance-challenged) has noticed that these white stripes seemed to place a quality of dominion over those already in our midst. Such an observant old (or is he young? Hard to tell with all of the cough tonic he consumes) man. Since they have been under the watchful eye of our Village Police, these two dark strangers have been sighted in our most sacred of places - in trees, on parking lots, our trash cans, and even on our cars and trucks. (For God's sake, people, use your garage! They will be on our boats, jet skis, four-wheelers, and snowmobiles next!)
In other news, Village Police are still on the look out for the one dressed as "The Fuller Brush Man." He still evades village scrutiny. Remember! If you do happen to spot him, do not approach, call Village Police, as the suspect is still considered armed and fabulous--eh, I mean dangerous. Thank you.
Previously posted in Facebook
Mister C
Mister C came to see us today.
He said we were good girls and boys - hurray!
He said he'd give us a treat
If we got on our feet,
And he would not even make us all pay.
We were all very quiet in line.
We all took our turns, did our time.
And when we did eat,
It was all very neat,
Til someone stood up with a chime.
Said the small boy, "Have you not heard,
That Mister C is really a bird?"
And suddenly with that,
Mister C was a bat,
Chewing he said, "How absurd!"
--17 July 2016
He said we were good girls and boys - hurray!
He said he'd give us a treat
If we got on our feet,
And he would not even make us all pay.
We were all very quiet in line.
We all took our turns, did our time.
And when we did eat,
It was all very neat,
Til someone stood up with a chime.
Said the small boy, "Have you not heard,
That Mister C is really a bird?"
And suddenly with that,
Mister C was a bat,
Chewing he said, "How absurd!"
--17 July 2016
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