There is talk floating around the village these days like a dense fog of peanut butter. (That’s right. “You eat what you like, and I’ll eat what I like.” <best line from “Rudolph, The Red Nose Reindeer>). You see, there is a new delivery boy for the Daily Trumpet, he took over the route from Harold Glum. Apparently, Harold’s arm started acting up once again. Villagers have been crying, “Harold is somewhere in his 80’s for crying out loud, leave him alone!” But apparently this time, there were injuries...and perhaps, just a little blood. “I simply can’t control the old urges any more,” said Harold Glum, sadly. The new boy, one Jeffrey Horn, a truly brassy boy for his age, is the new pitcher for the varsity baseball team at the Fortress of Higher Learning. His father told him that it would be a good job to keep his arm warmed up and loose during the cold, idle winter months. I worry for the ball team this coming year, though; I had to retrieve the Daily Trumpet from the roof of my house. We shall miss you, Harold Glum....and your mysterious and creepy arm.
From the Daily Trumpet: There is excitement brewing in our fair village as the doors to a new eating establishment are scheduled to open on National Fright Night. The new restaurant is to be called: “The Extruder.” It is the brain child of food enthusiast, Pepper Jackson. Pepper told this reporter that her parents never told her to stop playing with her food. In fact, once they discovered she had a real talent for such things, they often encouraged her dinner table play by handing her different things with which to experiment. After a painful week with a single soda straw, she was able to spell out her name on the plate with some peas. Soon, the neighbors were clamoring for an invitation to have dinner with her family to see the newest in extruded design. Pepper was hooked, and now after 15 years at the prestigious Cordon Blah School of Kitchen Arts, she was ready to set the culinary world on fire...or at least push it down the street a block or so.
So, with the backing from her lovely parents, Pepper has purchased an old plastic extruder from the old plastics mill in Oakwood, and has placed the machine in one of her restaurant’s windows looking into the kitchen from the dinner area, so everyone can watch their food in preparation. “Everyone will know their order, because their names will be squished out and written on their plates. There will be lots of very artistic and pleasing meals extruded, but the house specialty will be Schmooshed Turkey with Squished Potatoes and Gravy with highlights of Pea paste. So, delish! Oh, and there will be available at every table the usual silver settings along with chainsaws, straws, chisels, drills and other powered tableware. Nothing says excitement and encourages play like something pushed through a tube.
Already, Ms. Jackson has been getting quite a little buzz from local villagers with ad campaigns like: “It doesn’t say food, ‘til it’s pushed through a tube,” or “What could be ruder than going to The Extruder?” Who’s to say just how long this little restaurant will last, but Pepper Jackson can not wait to see everyone’s reaction to the individual creations made with food, and with toxic love.
The Extruder is set to open at 666 W Main St, Our Fair Village. Festivities will start in the afternoon, but Pepper promises they will end in time for all those cute little families to attend any and all activities for the National Fright Night at The East End Parking Lot and/or Hell’s Gate subdivision of our fair village which ever one you wish to attend.
And speaking of the activities for National Fright Night, there is to be A Sugar Extravaganza sponsored by the committee for the annual “Gimme Some Sugar” campaign. It is a new village activity planned this year to bring everyone together in one big happy sugar haze. The Sugar Extravaganza will begin promptly at 8:39 and a halfish...that’s P.M. Besides, the Sticky Gauntlet of Tricks or Treats and the Chuck the Pumpkin Contest (aimed at Mr. Carson’s house which was chosen by “lottery”), there will be the Confectioners’ Confessional, run by the lay folks from the Sept of September Church. “We couldn’t resist joining in the celebration of the impending cold, long sleep. Besides, it will be fun to cough up your sugary sins,” said toothy smiling Wendy Woodsman, one of those lay folks from the friendly (if not tall, creepy, and stoic), little church. Lights will be turned off promptly at 10 PM, for full darkness effect.
We, at the Daily Trumpet, also wish to include a notice that the festivities for National Fright Night are still planned for Hell’s Gate, a subdivision in the south part of the village. In case, anyone is wondering, agents are still needed for both locations of festivities. Please bring your masks, uniforms, make-up, and sugar collection devices to the Haberdashery on Main Street. Also, the pumpkin smashing event in Hell’s Gate has been elevated to a personal car event, please ask mom and dad for the keys. And if you can not get your parents to say yes to the keys, there is still room for the Chuck the Pumpkin contest at the East End Parking Lot. As is the tradition for National Fright Night, please don’t forget to bring your own candle or torch.
Around our fair village: Our fair village police have been called in to investigate reports of orange, roundish things appearing on village area porches. Some of these roundish objects are reported to have smiling or scowling faces. So far, our fair police have been driving around shining lights on to the porches of the offending crime scenes, but with Jack Frost and Old Man Winter joining in the investigation and using their expertise of spreading a blanket of white upon the village, we should have footprints of the culprits soon. As this is an open case from two years back, our fair village police force are remaining mum on the subject, but our fair chief of police vows to get to the bottom of the matter.
